- Yeah, another half inch and it's out there for good.
Hey, hurry up with them bean-
- If you got the money to pay, I give you a plate of beans.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's enough for me.
- He ain't hungry.
- There.
- Leave it here.
- Relax, Chico, you'll live longer.
- Yeah, 'til tomorrow, anyway.
- Listen to him, will ya?
There's only one way to find out.
That ain't hungry. That's famine.
Usually happens when you cross a desert on the run.
- Yeah, and whoever crosses a desert fast
got somethin' gnawin' on his conscience, huh?
- Right.
So, what's on your conscience, huh?
You better check twice. He's pretty dirty.
Hmm.
Lucky for you, mister, you're just a starvin' animal.
Yeah.
- Ah, Señor... - Take it easy, Max.
You gotta last another 12 hours.
You ain't worth a cent dead.
- He'll make it 'til tomorrow.
- Hey, can you imagine what he's gonna look like
when they hang him tomorrow?
- He'll be dangling like puppet.
- Yeah.
- Hey, you take it easy there, Chico.
You get all excited, you're gonna bust a gut.
- Feel almost human now, don't ya?
- Yeah.
You just take it easy there now, max.
- Si, señor.
- Vamos, hombre, let's go. - What'd you say?
- Come on, get up.
- You know, Sage, least you could do
for a man who wants to die is to wish him
a cross with his name on it.
You just give him your name, you'll get one.
- They call me Trinity.
- Trinity? - Mm-hmm.
- Well, that's... - Right-hand of the devil.
- Come on, move.
How much do I owe ya?
- Uh, nada- nothing, on the house.
- Thanks.
The beans weren't much good, anyway.
- Señor, they're going to shoot you.
- Shh. - Hey, Trinity.
They say you got the fastest gun around.
- Is that what they say? - Yeah.
- Geez.
Okay, Chico, suppose you tell us what happened, huh?
- There was a gringo, Señor.
He want to make love to my mujer,
so I push him away with a little knife.
A very little knife, señor.
Oh, but when I look into his black eyes,
they turn white, and he falls down to the ground.
Bada-boom.
He must have hit his head.
- Must've at that.
- Yeah, I think so, too, señor.
- Any witnesses?
- No, only me. - Think hard now, Chico.
- You mean my wife and the knife, señor?
- And me. Hah!
- Oh, no, there was only this gringo,
and he want to make love to my wife.
- Yeah, I know, and you pushed him away
with a very little knife.
- Si, Señor.
- Hah!
- Clear out and leave me in peace!
- We'll go when we're ready.
- You're the one that's lookin' for trouble now!
- Look, can't you see I'm busy?
- So are we!
- Only one way to let him know now.
- Yeah, the hard way.
- Go on, 90. Be good boys.
- Sheriff! - Go away.
Scat!
- If you want that tin star to see the sun again,
you better set our friend free.
- He crawled into a woman's bed.
She wanted him out, he didn't get out.
They call that carnal violence.
He's gonna have to go before the judge.
- How do you expect the judge to see it straight?
That old bag was his wife, and she woulda stayed there,
too, if the old man hadn't a come in.
She was purrin' sweet up until then.
- Your friend chose the wrong bed.
The law is the law, and strange as it may seem
to the likes of you, the law is gonna be respected.
Now, you got exactly one minute to split town.
- This is the last warning, sheriff.
Let our friend out!
- Boys, I have the impression
we're going to have to elect a new sheriff.
- You wanna run, Jeff? - Not a chance.
- Hey, you! Stinkweed!
- You mean me?
- Yeah, I mean you, rag picker!
- I think he means you.
- Drop that holster!
- Huh.
- Now it's your turn, Sheriff- drop it!
- They'll be stiff before they can draw.
What did I tell you? - Madre Mia.
Who is he, Señor?
- The left hand of the devil.
- Never woulda believed it.
- Who's that? - Oh, it's a long story.
He's up for ransom. You know how it is.
The Mexicans are always wrong.
- What's he have to say? - Nothin'--
Self defense with witnesses to the fact.
Write him a pardon and send him home.
- No, Señor Sheriff, it's not true.
There were no peoples. It was only this gringo.
He want to-- he want to make love-—
- Oh, stop it.
- He want to make love to my mujer, señor.
- Here.
It's a bad wound.
Lucky for him, the bullet plugged up the vein.
Give me a hand.
- Anesthesia? - Si, Señor.
Yeah.
Oh, that's a very big knife.
- No, very little. Here, have some more.
- Here.
- Another swig, hmm? - Mm-hmm.
- How's the old lady? - The same.
She's always got something wrong with her.
- Now, where the devil is it?
- In New Orleans, runnin' a whore house.
- I was talkin' about the bullet.
There it is.
- Hmm.
- Put your finger in it.
- You gringos are over here with your burros.
- That's right. - You make love to our señoras
and want to sleep.
- Good idea- go on to sleep.
- Sweet dreams.
Tomorrow, you can take him back to his beloved mujer.
- You're still quick on the draw, I see.
- That reminds me. Thanks for your help.
- There were only three.
- Yeah, for now, but let me tell ya.
They'll be swarmin' into this damn town.
You'd do better to get outta here before
all the dudes in the west fall in to match guns.
- Well, I'm not lookin' for trouble.
- Yeah, you never knew how to do anything else.
- Smells like a distillery in here.
Who is he? - My brother.
He's just passin' through.
He's leavin' tomorrow.
- He looked and smelled like that, too, when he came here.
Had to use three pieces of soap to see the color of his skin.
So, young man, if you wanna shake my hand, take a bath first.
Don't wanna catch no tetanus.
- Ah, now what's that?
- How'd you end up like this?
- Ah, there was somebody following me.
- The owner of the star.
- Mm-hmm.
- Downright disgusting. - Hey,gringo...
- Two days after- two days after my escape
from the penitentiary in Yuma,
I saw somebody following me.
He wasn't after me.
We were just going the same way,
but I didn't know that, and I shot him.
Found out later he was the new sheriff of this town,
come to replace the one that was killed.
There was this here star in one of his pockets,
so I took his place to wait for my men
and head for California together.
I planned a couple of good hold-ups,
but I bet you'll manage to mess things up on me.
I don't know how, but I'm sure you'll do it.
- Hmm.
- This isn't a jail, it's a cesspool!
Which reminds me- while you were out of town,
there was a real slaughter at the saloon.
The Major's men just pounded two of those farmers.
And from now on, they'll eat nothin' but puddin'
'cause they left their teeth on the bar room floor.
- Hmm. Were they armed?
- Those farmers don't go around armed.
You know that, Sheriff. Come on, young fella.
Let's get home and give yourself a bath
and see what you look like.
- Well-- - You get washed up,
and tomorrow you leave. - See ya later.
- No, you're not gonna see me later!
- You sure you two fellas are brothers?
- Yep.
Same mother. - Oh.
I ain't seen so much dirt since the overflow of the Pecos.
It's the last piece!
- From what I understand, there's a lotta dirt in this town, too.
- Well, if you're referring to the Major's men,
he just won't let up on those farmers.
He keeps breakin' their bones, and they come back for more.
Hard as nails, them farmers.
- Well, why don't they fight back? - Against their principles.
Strange folks from back East.
All they do, is, uh, work and pray, pray and work.
Pray and work is all they do.
- What's my brother doin' about it?
- Beans- that's what he's doin' about it.
You know somethin'?
I've never seen such an unlucky sheriff in all my life.
When somethin' happens, he's someplace else,
and vice versa.
- He's always been very unlucky. - Yeah.
If I'd known you were gonna put on them rags,
I wouldn't have given you that last piece of soap.
- Evening, Sheriff. - Shut up.
- What's got into him? - The usual nightly scolding.
- The Major's men? - Yep.
Well, g'bye, young fella.
I'm gonna take my bones to bed.
In case I don't see you again, uh, which is likely,
good luck to ya, huh?
- Listen, Major, I'm gettin' a little weary
of these punks of yours.
Either they let the farmers be,
or I'll have to take away their guns.
- Why don't you do it?
- Yeah, how about that, Sheriff?
- Hmm.
- They're good boys, Sheriff.
Hard workin' cowhands need a little diversion
when Saturday night rolls around.
- Like squattin' helpless farmers, huh?
- Well, what do you expect?
If the farmers insist on provoking trouble,
a few fists are gonna start flyin'.
It's only human nature. Or, would you know about that?
Now, I heartily suggest that you go about your business
and leave me and my men in peace.
- Put it any way you want, Major-— this is the last warning
for you and for your chicken rustlers.
- What did you say?
- Chicken rustlers.
- Oh.
- You have the strangest way of doin' your job, Sheriff.
And let me tell you--
I don't like it.
Listen, boys.
- Come on, slug, pull out.
- What the devil is the matter with you, Jeff?
This sheriff's beginning to bother me.
He's a bit too dull to appreciate my position in this town.
Well, he'll learn the hard way.
- They work like ants, but that don't soften the Major none-
he wants to hog up their whole valley for his horses.
- What do you care? You're not the sheriff.
- Yeah, yeah, I know.
But if he stirs up enough fuss, the rangers will get here
before my boys, Weasel and Timmy, can catch up with me.
Besides, on principle, I hate to see him win out.
- Why?
- Because two feet this side of the valley,
he's got the most beautiful pack of horses
I ever seen. Unbranded.
Once he drives the farmers out and brings his herd in,
what chance have I got to rustle 'em back out again?
- So, give 'em a hand. - Who, the Major?
- The farmers.
- Ah, it's easier said than done.
Can't even root up a-a hoot owl in this here town
that's willing to face the Major's men.
And I can't do it all alone.
- Oh,no.
- Oh, yes.
- No.
- A dollar a day. - No.
- And ammunition.
With room and board.
And you get ol' Jonathan to cook and wait on ya.
Okay?
- No.
- Then get your carcass outta here and leave me be!
- Hah,hah,hah!
- Looks like they're plannin' to settle down.
That ain't no moonlight camp they're buildin', Major.
- Not if we persuade them differently.
Boys, show the brethren how to build a decent house.
That structure doesn't strike me as being very sturdy.
- This is time for work. We can play later.
Go on.
- Welcome, Major. - Are you sure?
- We're not given to lying, Major.
- Only to shadin' the truth.
If, by some dark miracle,
I should vanish before your eyes,
I sincerely doubt you'd feel any remorse.
- We crave no such miracle, but only for
a sense of dignity in our poverty.
- Oh, there is nothin' more aggravatin' than a hypocrite.
Now, you came here in a wagon
with a few rags and a lotta hope.
- A lot of faith, Major.
- Yes, and, by sheer coincidence,
after a few months,
more of your so-called brothers arrived.
And good ol' faith forms a community,
builds a house that could shelter an army,
and, uh, fills the corrals with livestock.
Now, yours is certainly a very dignified
and, uh, lucrative poverty.
- It was wild cattle by God sent.
- Which, however, you branded quickly enough.
And while my horses split their hooves
grazing on rocks, your cows grow fat
and shamelessly prolific like you.
- We sought but a small square of land on which to live.
- But this small square
covers over 200,000 acres, my friend.
- We ask only a small part of it. There's land for all.
Bring your horses to graze here.
We will not resent their presence.
- No, but they'd resent yours.
Now, I advise you to pack up your goods,
your people, your faith, and your cows,
and clear out of my valley.
- We've come 2,000 miles. - You can go another 2,000.
- We have children, Major. - Oh, I hate children.
- Major, I've tried to appeal to your sentiments,
but you force me now to remind you
that we came to this valley before you.
- I believe it was the Lord in one of his parables
who said, "blessed are the last,
"for they shall be the first."
So, why should I hurry?
- It is evil to be cynical. - It's practical.
- May the lord forgive you. - Well, I hope so,
but I wouldn't count on it very much.
- Hah! - Hey!
- Yam, yam - Rah, ha'“, hah'.!
- Hah, hah!
- Let this be a reminder, old man.
Either you leave this valley, or I'll bury you in it.
The choice is yours.
Let's go, boys!
- Hah! - Hah,hah,hah!
- Yah,yah,yah! - Hah,yah!
- To work, brothers, to work!
- Hold it!
- Who are they? - It's Mezcal and his raiders, Major.
Once in a while, they rustle a few horses from us.
- Well, that's very interesting.
- Welcome, brothers. - Thank you, brother.
You forget that you are guests.
Why don't you answer brother Tobias' greeting?
- He's my brother.
- Now, you give this poor brother something to eat, eh?
- It doesn't taste like anything. - We have no other food to offer.
- You did it on purpose. Yes? - No, it's not true, brother.
- You make this mess so you don't have to share it.
- No, we'd share anything we can. - Lies, liar! Quiet!
Shut up!
Next time, no fooling around.
I want good soup with garlic and mucho vino!
Vamonos.
- You know what that old fool would say if he was in my place?
The ways of the Lord are many.
- This is for the sheriff.
By the way, where is he? - He went outta town.
- I thought your brother said you were leavin' town today!
- The day ain't over yet!
- Hey, you wanna bet somethin' is gonna happen
now that he's out of town?
Hey, I'm talkin' to ya! You wanna bet?
- Brother Tobias said, if there's anything left over,
we can get that nice bread. Oh, I wonder if they still
have any of that bread.
- I thought I told you to get out. - Joe!
- But we need these goods, sir. - What you need is a lesson.
- When I say, "out," I mean out. - No, wait, brother!
- Joe! O-h, Joe!
- You'll pay for this on Judgment Day!
- All right, but 'til that day,
don't show your faces around here. Is that clear?
Go on. Get back to your cow flops. Go on, scat!
- Come on, Joe. Wake up.
- Put him in a trough. That'll wake him up.
- Easy does it. - Got a new sheriff.
- Better mind your own business.
- How's that? - Ask the Major.
- Major Harrison denies us the right to make purchases in his store.
- Oh?
Now, that ain't right, is it? - Oh,no.
- That's what I say. Be right back. Easy...
- Who is he? - I don't know.
- He's wearing a star.
- Hold it, there.
Give him what he asked for.
- You're kiddin', I hope.
- No.
Load it up on the wagon, and fast.
- The Major ain't gonna like this.
- What were you sayin' about the Major?
Hey,you.
- Get him!
- Hey.
- About time someone took care of it.
- Hey, what's your name, Deputy?
Hey, you gonna stay on as sheriff?
- He don't talk much, that's for sure.
- Hey, Deputy!
Hey, ain't you gonna stop and talk a minute?
- Here, there's one jack too many.
- No, here, there's one Major too many.
Look, Major, it'd be nice if you told your men
not to bother the farmers anymore.
It ain't nice to hurt peaceful people like that.
Now, if your men keep it up,
I'm gonna have to get 'em where it hurts.
- You sure about that? - Positive.
- Ahh,ahh,ahh, oh!
- One store destroyed,
three heads split like overripe melons,
one man wounded, and one castrated, all in two hours.
Just two hours I left you alone-— two hours.
- Well, you asked me to give you a hand.
- Not like that, beetle brain!
- If you'd only seen those girls' eyes...
They looked like two frightened fawns.
- Two frightened fawns-
they were probably two sluts lookin' for customers.
Hey, where are you goin'? - To the fawns.
- No, you're comin' with me. - Where?
- Home to get your rags and leave.
- Well, thank you, Sheriff. - You're welcome.
- This was a quiet town before you came--
disgusting town, but quiet.
- Are you tellin' me?
- Sheriff, what are we gonna do about his prisoners?
Do we hang 'em, or do we throw 'em out?
I quit. I'm not gonna work for them no more.
- Ahh, throw 'em out,
all of 'em, including that Mexican jumping bean.
- Oh, come on, Bambino, no sense holding a grudge.
- Don't call me Bambino. - Want me to call ya Sheriff?
- Don't call me at all, not even if you're drownin'.
- Hey, with what authority
are you throwin' me out of town?
- Authority of the law.
- I wouldn't talk about the law if I were you.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Well, uh, remember, you're not a real sheriff,
just a common horse thief, and not a very good one at that.
- Evening, Sheriff. - Hey, keep quiet.
So?
- I'm stayin', and with this pinned on.
And a dollar a day plus meals.
- That sounds like blackmail. - Yeah, it does.
- All right, you stool pigeon.
But if you start one more mess, you'd better disappear.
The deputy sleeps in the office.
- Hi, there, Sheriff. - Shut up.
- Hey, Sheriff-- oh, it's you.
Out for trouble again, I see. - Oh, I'm a peaceful man.
- Where ya goin'?
- The saloon, just a little nip before goin' to bed.
- Like to believe that. - How about it?
Have one on me. - Only one?
- Well, forget it, then. - Forget it, he”.
- Well, looks like the deputy sheriff is layin' low tonight, huh?
- First chance I get, I'll fix him for good.
- Yeah.
- That dirty son of an old- - Don't try it.
He's quicker than a rattlesnake.
- Don't like the comparison, but your friend's got a point.
Don't try it.
- Let's get outta here.
- Never a night somethin' doesn't happen.
- I don't think I like that.
- What did you say about my old lady?
- You' re “CNN to ska“ a fight.
- I asked you a question. What did you say
about my old lady? - You heard it.
- Well, say it again. Don't be afraid.
- Afraid of you?
Huh?
Afraid you got more cheek than brain.
- Hey, Sheriff, wake up!
Sheriff! Sheriff, wake up!
Open in the name of the law!
It's me, Jonathan!
- Oh!
- You better get your hide over to the saloon right away!
- What's happening now? - Your brother is over there.
- Huh? They killed him?
- Well, he was still standing when I left.
But they'll make a sieve out of him if you don't hurry!
- Yeah.
- Seven of us, Deputy,
and you're only holdin' six bullets in your gun.
Now, I don't know if I make myself clear.
- Better pay your bar bill now.
Don't wanna leave any debts behind.
Now, I don't know if I made myself clear.
- Hurry, Sheriff. - Yeah,yeah.
What's goin' on here?
- They offended the law.
- Law?
- Yes.
They said I was a son of an old...
- That is serious.
How are we gonna settle that, boys?
- If you didn't care to hide behind that piece of tin,
we could settle this among men.
- Aren't you gonna take it off?
They are only nine.
- Jonathan! - Ahh!
- Take the guns.
- Here you go.
- Here.
Close the door.
Lock it!
- You gonna handle it alone?
- I just woke up. You take your share.
- Wasn't a very bright idea, my friend.
- Get him. Get him.
- Stop it.
- Push him. - Oh!
- Hey, let me- let me go.
- Oh!
- No.
- Can I go to bed,
or you got somethin' else planned for tonight?
- Well, I really came for a drink.
I'm sorry, but I couldn't let them call ma an old-
- But it's true.
- Yeah, but she ain't that old.
- Ain't you got no ambition in life?
Do somethin'. Rustle cattle, hold up
a stagecoach, or play cards, or somethin'.
Once, you were a good card shark, but do somethin'.
- Who's got the time? I'm already busy doin' nothin'.
Who are they?
- They're the farmers the Major wants out.
- How come they're not armed? - Oh, it's part of their religion.
They don't believe in violence. - Huh?
- Oh, it's somethin' like that.
- Well, how do they manage with the Major after 'em?
- Oh, with some prayers and broken bones.
- Welcome, brothers!
- Hey, who told him we were brothers?
- Hmm? Not me.
- It is the Lord that sends you!
- Truth is, we was just passin' by!
- Then, come! Come join us, brothers!
Get off your horses and rest a while.
It was good of you to come.
We are truly indebted to you for having aided our sisters,
Sarah and Judith.
They were innocent doves surrounded by evil,
but the Lord heard their prayers and sent you to answer them.
- Yeah, it was approximately like that.
- Sure is peaceful around here.
Just like paradise.
- And it is. For that reason,
we wouldn't want the Major to contaminate it.
- You're right.
- You would honor us
if you would share our meager meal with us.
- Wanna share?
- Come.
- Wash your hands first. - Right.
- Your guns, brothers. - What?
- It is best not to sit at the Lord's table
with symbols of violence.
- Thank you, brother. - Don't take 'em far away.
- Let us pray.
Dear Lord,
we are grateful to you for these thy gifts,
which we are about to receive through your infinite goodness.
And, Lord, we ask you to bless and protect
our brethren who are not with us at this time.
Amen. - Amen.
Mm-hmm.
- Hey, pass the bread down this way.
- Well, look at that.
- Oh.
- Yahoo!
- All the children and sisters leave, quickly.
I beg you to forgive their rudeness.
They're like misguided children who know not what they do.
- Hey!
Brother Tobias! My gringo.
We were passing by when I say to my men,
"why don't we go to pay a visit to my friend, Tobias?"
Right? - Right.
- If you care to join us.
- No, don't insist, brother.
I don't like to take advantage of your hospitality every day.
- Thank you, brother Mezcal,
but you're always welcome to share our table.
- Ahh, Si, well, then we'll take advantage.
Hombre!
Why don't you remind me to take off my holster?
Don't you know brother Tobias
doesn't like to see guns at his table?
Well, now you know. - Your guns, brothers.
- How about the knife? - Here.
- Thank you, brother. - Here's another.
Bring the wine! - Si, Señor.
- Quiet, everybody. Now,
I make a toast to brother Tobias.
I said wine, not water.
Where's the wine? - I'm sorry, brother.
It's against- - Where's the wine?!
Where's the wine?
Get them in line! Vamonos, cabron!
You, too! - Everybody get in line.
- You're too slow! - Arriba!
- Not you, stupid.
You no drink wine, eh?
All right, you don't drink wine, but you make love, no?
No? Cabron!
- Wait, brother, wait, please.
- You are not my brother no more!
I think this one make love.
Bueno, the other side now.
- How dare you hit one of my brothers?
Ask forgiveness. - Forgiveness, please.
- Hey, where are you going? - Turn the other cheek.
This one is new to me. He's very pretty.
Like this. You, give me room.
Hit him.
- Me? - Hmm.
- We go away now, huh?
- Brother, I tried to warn you
that my two guests here belong to another belief.
They rigidly observe the law
of an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.
I'd say that you forgive them and return some other time.
- Si, Si.
I kill him, gringo. - Bueno, bueno, patron.
- I swear... Mezcal don't forget this!
- Yeah, I can believe it.
- Hee-yah! - Hah!
- Brother Tobias, that was so brave.
- Are they really gone?
- Now, you can help yourselves. You have their guns.
If Mezcal comes back,
one bullet in the fire will change his mind.
- The Lord giveth life and the Lord taketh.
Our weapons are faith and love.
- Well spoken, brother Tobias.
Only love shall combat evil.
- It is the sacred word.
"From my body, you shall have the heat to warm your blood."
- "And from my breast, drink the nectar to quench thy thirst.
"And from my lips,
"you shall hear only words of love for the Lord."
- Thus spake Ezekiel.
- He was damn right.
- Your guns, brothers. - Oh, and your hat, brother.
- Thank you.
- Uh, if you need me- - Us.
- If you need us, you know where we are.
Get movin'.
- Yah!
- God is with us.
- Evening, Jonathan. - Go to hell.
He'll leave tomorrow. Just passing through.
In a pig's ear he is.
He'll stay for the rest of his life.
And from what's going on, that won't be too long.
Disgusting- disgusting people.
Only safe thing left to do is blow your brains out.
All right, come and get it.
- That Mexican is so drunk he can't stand up.
- Oh, he's fine. He seemed a little sick before,
so I gave him a couple of drops of whiskey.
- Well, wasn't that mighty nice of you?
- I think so, but I always say everything wrong around here.
- Oh, shut up.
- Yeah, look at them. Go on, eat my pork.
Go on, eat up. Huh.
Who knows? It may be your last meal.
- Why?
- 'Cause I saw two new faces in town.
Ooh, real ugly.
And they don't promise any good.
- Oh.
Where are you goin'? - To welcome them strangers.
- I thought you said you weren't lookin' for trouble.
- I don't like people with ugly faces.
- Get the itch outta your finger and stay put.
- Hmm.
What would humanity have come to without the horse?
The great Caesar, Alexander the Great,
the greats of Spain-—
would they really have been great without the horse?
Would this nation ever have been born
without the generous help of that noble animal?
Now, what is the best way to pay our debt
if not to offer them a quiet, green pasture
where they can eat and procreate in peace?
Therefore, I want that valley
at any cost.
And if you convince the farmers to leave,
I'll make it so worth your while you'll be able to retire.
- That valley is already yours, Major.
- Good.
First, however,
I'd like you to take care of the sheriff and his deputy.
Their, uh, zeal is positively disturbing.
- You can start electing a new sheriff as of now.
- That I will.
You care for some sherry?
It's wine, the best.
- Uh, no, thank you, Major, not while working.
- That's what I call professional seriousness.
I advise you to watch the deputy.
He's very fast.
- You hear that, Mortimer?
The Major says the deputy is very fast.
- Oh, yeah! - All right, come on, let's go.
You come this way.
- Where are you goin'? - Out- take a look around.
- It's a quiet day today.
See that it ends up the way it started.
- Wait 'till Jack gets a hold of him.
- Yeah.
- That's the fast deputy, Mortimer.
- Hmm.
- Can I help you with somethin', Deputy?
Anything in particular you're interested in?
- Uh, yeah. Would you mind showing me your underwear?
- Hey, what about the horses? - There's no time!
He said ten seconds!
- I suppose you got nothin' to do with this, right?
- Sheriff, this was a peaceful town
before this madman came here.
Now, he can't go around hittin' and shootin' our good citizens
just because you gave him that star.
In the name of this community, I demand your resignation
and your deputy's, or I shall be forced
to speak to my personal friend, the governor.
- Uh-huh, all right.
- We can't let him get away with it, Major.
- Hmm.
- Damn the day you ever came into the world.
You're worse than the black plague and a leprechaun.
- For the umpteenth time,
what do you want me to do with that Mexican?
- Oh, throw him out. - But he can't stand up.
- Give him some whiskey. It'll make him go to sleep.
- Somethin' the matter?
- Nothin' important-- there's a reward out for me.
The new sheriff I took this star from, he ain't dead.
He's lame. He's lookin' for me all over the state.
Now, he wants me to give him a hand to find me.
- Hey, $200.
- You thinkin' of sellin' your own brother?
- That's an insult.
I'd never do such a thing for only 200 bucks.
- Wanna come with me?
- Where?
- Hmm.
- You're takin' advantage because you know I'd never
shoot you, right? - Sure.
Why in the he” don't you wise up?
Go back to New Orleans to Mama.
Bring her a couple of girls and go into business with her.
Now, beat it. Move!
- Well, so long. Hope to see ya again someday.
- I don't.
- If I really wanted to stay, I would!
- I don't think so!
- Helen, come and help me!
- Billy, you get it. - I'll have it ready in a few seconds.
- Hand me that ax.
Myrtle, get this kid back to the wagon, will ya?
He's always in the way.
- It's good to see you again, brother.
What breeze brings you here?
- Well, actually, weren't no breeze.
I'm goin' home.
Just passin' through to say goodbye.
- You've been our guardian angel.
May the Lord be with you. But if you should choose
to remain with us, my son, you're more than welcome.
- Thank you,but I really have to go.
- It's a pity. - Hmm.
- Well, as you wish.
But before you leave, I know
that Sarah and Judith would like to thank you personally.
They're down by the creek.
- Oh, down by the creek?
- I'll get someone to fetch them.
- Ah, don't bother, chief. I'll be going by that way.
- They'll be happy to see you.
- Oh, look, it's Trinity! - Hi!
- Welcome, brother! - Howdy!
- Come on in! - Hey, the water is fine!
Come on!
- Hey, it's marvelous. Come on in.
- The water is warm. Don't be afraid.
- Come on. Don't be a sissy.
Oh, he's comin' in, horse and all.
Hey, the invitation didn't include your horse.
- Well, he can swim. I can't.
- But the water is only up to here.
- Oh, well, in that case...
- What is he doing?
You know, when we saw you for the first time,
we thought that it would've been wonderful
if you joined our community.
- Yeah, it kinda passed my mind, too.
- You could've lived with us. Made a home with devoted
wives to take care of you and serve you.
- Wives? - Uh-huh, wives.
- Didn't you know our faith accepts the state
or fact of polygamy?
- Huh?
Hey, it's gettin' deeper.
- Before we start shingling, we better raise the chimney.
- You're right, brother.
- Help me, brother.
- Yeah, right.
- Bye. - Bye.
- You'll be leavin' right away?
- Well, if the invitation still stands,
we thought we'd stay on for a day or so.
- By all means.
Whatever is ours is yours to share.
- Ahh, chh-chh-chh. Ahh, chh-chh-chh.
- There's no way to stop the Major?
- He ain't the type to give in.
He'll come chargin' down here before you know it.
- Our fate is in the hands of the Lord.
- Yeah, but he doesn't carry a gun either.
Can't get much help there. Look, I don't think
the Lord would take it wrong if you defend yourselves.
- We cannot kill our fellow man.
- But they ain't your fellow man.
They're lower than rattlesnakes.
You can't go on turnin' the other cheek forever.
- We shall see what God wills.
- I hope he wills a couple of guns.
You could get rid of the whole bunch.
A few at a time, of course.
Listen, I suggest that-—
- Hey, look.
- Hey, Ma, there's two strangers here!
- Who might they be, brother?
- Judging from appearances, I'd say they were
wayfarers tired from a long journey.
- Or two outlaws escaping across the desert.
- Also, the Lord crossed the desert.
- Yeah, but he didn't have the U.S. Rangers on his tail.
Go see what they want. If they start making trouble,
I'll be right behind you.
- May I?
- "Give drink to the thirsty," says the Holy Word.
- If I'm not mistaken,
it also says to give food to the hungry, right?
- Wrong.
You're Weasel, ain't ya?
- Yeah.
- And you're Timmy.
And you're lookin' for the Bambino.
- You wouldn't know where he's been, huh?
- Yeah, waitin' for you to get here.
- What in the hell are you up to now?
- Hey, boss!
- I've been rottin' here for weeks waitin' for ya.
I was beginning to think they strung you both up.
- We were sidetracked out on the trail.
We saw somebody following us out,
so we detoured around the canyon and shot him off his horse.
It was a sheriff, a lame-legged sheriff.
He weren't really lookin' for us.
We just happened to be goin' the same way.
- Did you fix him for good? - Well, uh-—
- Well, almost-- Timmy got him in the good leg.
Then we broke his crutches.
- Yeah.
- What are you doin' with that star?
- Hidin' behind the law. - Huh?
- Now, listen to me. There's a beautiful job for us,
a ripe plum just waitin' to be picked.
- Cattle?
- Steeds. - Did you hear that?
- Yeah. - The most gorgeous herd
of unbranded stallions you ever seen.
How'd you know I was here? - I told them.
- Oh,no. - Now, listen a minute, Bambino.
I don't want-
- I don't wanna listen.
- Look, I just wanted to tell you--
- Oh, go on, get. - Hey, hold on.
- Didn't you hear what the boss said?
Hmm?
- Hey, wait up. There's somethin' important
I gotta tell ya. Comin' to town,
I saw the Major headin' for the Mexican border.
You know what that means?
It means that he's gonna join up with Mezcal.
Them farmers won't have a chance.
Look, if you help me get rid of the Major,
I'll, uh, get married.
- You'll what? - I'll get married.
- To who? - To Sarah or Judith-
I haven't decided yet. But I'm gonna settle down
with the farmers...
Forever.
- Forever? - Yes, forever.
I want to forget the past. - Hmm?
Swear on our old lady.
- May she become an honest woman if I'm tellin' a lie.
- All right, it's a deal.
I'll help you,
but then we go separate ways,
or I'll make sure you really forget the past.
- Thanks. You won't be sorry. - Yeah.
- Uh, listen, about taking care of the Major.
I was thinkin'. - You don't have to think!
I'll do the thinkin'! - Exactly what I was thinking.
Idiot!
- Oh, that is the very nice Major.
He's got a lot of dinero, muchachos.
Bienvenido.
- You sit here, in the shade, no?
- Thank you.
- Fuera, fuera!
- Buenos Dias, Major. - You, too!
So, how is my worst enemy, huh?
- Your best friend now.
- But your men shoot us just yesterday.
- You see, Mr. Mezcal, if you steal my horses,
I'll have to have you shot. But if you work for me,
I'll give them to you, 20 of them,
for chasing the Mormons out of the valley.
- Major, for 20 stallions, Mezcal conquer Texas.
But how about the-
Uh, I mean, is there some way in particular
you would like us to kill those insects, huh?
- That's your business. - Yeah.
There's only one thing I don't like, Major.
- And that is?
- It's that I prefer to steal the horses.
Si, I do the job for you, and you let me steal 20 horses.
To work for pay is humiliating.
Better to steal. There's more emotion.
- All right, all right.
Jeff, tell the men to let Mr. Mezcal steal 20 horses...
Without shooting this time.
- Muy bien. Hombre, wine, now.
Let's drink to the 20 stallions.
When do we attack? - When they expect it least.
In a few days, send one of your men
to look around and then report back to me.
- I send Emiliano. He would be able
to crawl under your sombrero without you knowing it.
- I figure there'll be about 20 of 'em, and every one
a gunslinger. So if you don't use
your guns, they'll make fertilizer out of you.
- Our faith prohibits violence.
- You don't believe the four of us can hold off
the Major's crowd, do you?
- We'll have to ask the Lord for a temporary dispensation.
- Better get it in a hurry, brother.
- Brothers, we must make this decision now.
- Yes. - There's no way out otherwise.
- All right, but only for self-defense.
We will not kill.
- Well, at least that's somethin'.
- Okay, let's get going.
- All right, line up now. That's it.
If someone comes swinging with his right,
what do you do? You block with your left
and counter with your right. You.
I repeat- block with your left
and counter with your right. Got it?
- Yes, brother. - All right, let's try it.
I said block with your left, not your right.
- See what happens? It's a question of timing.
If someone comes swinging a pole at you, what do you do?
- I don't know. - Well, you duck.
- Yeah. - Grab him.
- Yeah. - And pull him down!
That clear? - Yes, brother.
- Okay, ready? - Ready.
Ugh! - Oh,no.
Now, watch how it's done. Watch.
Now, look at me.
- Watch this. - You ready?
- Ahh!
- Remember, the most important thing is to be fast.
Is that clear?
- Ahh! - Ahh!
- Now, then, when you--
- Experience is always the best teacher.
Now, if you ain't much at swinging your arms,
you can always use your feet, like me.
- Ow! Oh' Ow! .
- Ready? - Mm-hmm.
- All right, get up, and you try now.
- Ahh!
- Oh, Pete.
Easy, brother. Get up. Up you go.
- You get him in a lock and bounce him
up and down like this.
- Brother, perhaps you're going ahead too fast.
- I have no time to waste.
- Don't worry. He'll be all right.
- You know, I was just thinking. - If it's advice, save your breath.
- It ain't advice. I only want your opinion.
- All right, go on.
- Do you suppose there's somebody spying on us
under that sombrero?
- Then you duck. - Hmm.
It's a serious possibility. - That's what I thought.
- Weasel! - When you swing around-—
- Come here a minute. - Try it by yourselves.
- All right, now, by the numbers.
Let's try it.
- I think there's a spy sittin' under that sombrero
up there on the hill. Bring him down...
Alive.
- Somethin' wrong, Sheriff?
- Nothin' important.
There's only someone up there on the hill.
Weasel has gone to invite him down.
- Heaven protect our friend. - Better protect the spy.
If you're smart, you'll talk.
Who sent ya?
- Emiliano doesn't betray, gringo.
Emiliano tells everything. I'm one of Mezcal's men.
The Major, he said he promised Mezcal 20 stallions
if we chase the farmers out of here.
- Listen, you ain't goin' ahead with that plan without me.
I know you too well. You're like an open book.
- Oh, yeah? Then let's see if you read right.
- You wanna take the Mexicans' place, get the 20 horses, and then...
Am I wrong?
- You read right.
I'm glad you're beginning to use your head.
Listen, Emiliano,
would you do us a favor in exchange for your stinkin' skin?
- Claro Que Si, hombre. - That's the spirit.
- Hold it, right there! - No, no, don't shoot!
It's me, Emiliano!
Mezcal sent us to steal the horses.
- All right, but make it quick.
- Buenas noches, Señor.
- Just take your 20 horses and clear outta here.
- Si, Si.
- I'll take the two white ones.
- Two, three, four, five.
- How did it go with the farmers? - Oh, fine.
Six. Muy bien.
Seven, eight, nine, ten. - Any killings?
- Eleven. Todos muertos.
- All dead? - Twelve, thirteen.
Right-- children, women, old ladies, all dead.
Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen. - Holy Hannah. Killed 'em all?
- Seventeen. Ah, Si.
Cats, dogs, everybody.
Eighteen, nineteen. - What a massacre!
- Si, it was a nice massacre.
Twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two... - Hey.
- ...twenty-three, twenty-four. - Hey, you were supposed
to take 20. - Twenty-five, twenty-six.
Be quiet or I lose count, no?
Thirty, thirty-one, thirty-two, thirty-three,
thirty-four, thirty-five.
- Where is the sheriff? - Who are you?
- I'm Jonathan Swift.
I keep the office in order,
and the sheriff's gone out of town.
- He is, huh? When's he comin' back?
- Well, that depends. If he catches 'em,
he should be back around, uh-— - Catches who?
- Horse thieves. - Are these here the men?
- Oh, the sheriff.
- Yeah, there's a certain similarity.
- There is? - That's them.
That's them. That really is them.
- Well, do you know where they were headed?
- Listen, well, they told me they were going to the... border!
Yeah, remember the border-
- Nail those there outside the office.
- Yes, siree, right away, Sheriff. - If I ever catch up with them,
they'll pay for this. - Yes, siree,
went to the border. We'll take care of
the whole thing, Sheriff. Don't you worry about-
Whiskey, whiskey.
- Up you go. You,too.
All the children are loaded into the wagon, Sheriff.
- All right, over here! - Weasel, watch the kids.
Hear, men--
take your boys and get around back of the house.
- So, you wouldn't know where Tobias is.
- I think he went down to the river with some of his men.
- And the horses? - Huh?
- The horses, damn you! Where'd you put 'em?
- Oh, the horses.
They're under cover, safe and sound.
- Hey, brother lookout! You seeing anything?
- No, brother Sheriff, nothing!
I mean, yes! They're coming!
- Get ready.
Hah!
- It's old Jonathan!
- Whoa.
Whoa.
Major is looking for you, Sheriff.
- What's he want?
- Justice, I guess.
A herd of his horses was stolen,
and he wants the help of the law
to punish the rustlers and get his horses back.
- Well, I can't help him now. - I didn't think so.
You're not keeping all those horses for yourself, are ya?
- What horses? - What horses?
The Major's horses.
- Did you come here to tell me that?
- Yeah, among other things. - Such as?
- Well, a man came to town today-—
Mustache, star on his chest, crutches,
a typical crippled sheriff,
and he was lookin' for the fellas who made him that way.
I sent him to the border. - Good.
Is that all? - Oh,no,no,no.
Uh, the Major will be here any minute.
- Thanks, old man.
- You're welcome.
I want my share.
- Yeah, that figures.
What'd you bring him for?
- Well, I couldn't leave him in town.
Uh, he's got a tendency to tell the truth.
He's an alcoholic, you know?
- Ho!
- Get these guns.
Put the Mexican in that wagon and keep him drunk.
- Yes, siree, partner. Hah!
- Where the devil did Tobias go? - Tobias?
- Yeah, Tobias. - Right there, boss.
- I thought you ran out on us.
- No, we were working, brother, working very hard.
- That reminds me, boss.
Shouldn't we start diggin' a few graves
now that we have the time? - A few graves?
You don't wanna turn this place into a cemetery, do you?
- How do you think we're gonna hold off the Major?
- With faith.
- Hmm.
- Faith is an impenetrable fortress.
As cynical as the Major maybe,
he would not shoot at defenseless women and children.
- He could be right.
What do you think?
Would you shoot at a bunch of women and kids?
- Not the kids anyway.
- Well, if you wouldn't do it,
then the Major certainly isn't gonna do it.
- Now, what's on your mind?
- You're the one that does the thinking,
and you came up with a good idea this time, too.
- Hmm.
All right, but if the faith trick don't work,
this fella is gonna be bright red.
- They're coming! They're coming!
- He's playing his last card.
Move in!
Slowly!
- Hah! Hah!
Yah! Yah!
- Well, aren't you going to welcome me, old man?
Your silence won't keep me from destroying
your dignified poverty.
- Why waste time, Major? - Quiet.
There is work to be done.
Gentlemen,
today will be a hard day for you,
but you'll go home happy to have earned your money
honestly for once.
Destroy everything they've built, beginning with that house,
but please without yelling and making too much of an uproar.
You know I detest noise.
Burn their wagons and the tents
and scatter those miserable cows.
Then we'll depart and
let Mr. Mezcal take care of the rest.
Lost your tongue, old man?
- You've lost your battle, Major,
from the very moment you descended that hill.
- The opinions of others, no matter how idiotic,
should be respected.
I certainly will not be the one to violate
the rules of good manners.
Jeff.
Jeff, tear the house down.
- All right, boys, start hacking.
Je-Jeff! Jeff!
- Yeah, Major? - Come on back.
- Hold it, boys! - Yeah.
- There's been a variation in my plan.
- Want us to start with the wagons and tents?
- No, I don't think so.
- Start driving out the cows?
- Why should those animals bother you?
- Well, I'm just not understanding. What should I do?
- Respect the principles of these people.
Put down your guns. - What?
- Uh, do what I say.
- Si, hombre!
This should make brother Tobias very happy.
He hates guns.
- Excuse me, Major.
I don't know what your reason is for all this, but, uh,
it better be good. - A very good motive, my friend.
- Hey, look ahead!
- Your plan worked like a miracle.
- Well, Sheriff!
This-this really is very embarrassing.
- Have you seen what faith can do?
- It'll work, if you put it in a rifle barrel.
Well, I guess that's it.
- For the moment, but this won't end here.
- Oh,yeah?
- No, Major, it ends here.
It's gotta end here.
- "The words of Choheleth, son of David,
"King of Jerusalem." Your hat, please.
"There's a time to be born and a time to die."
- Yeah. - "To love and to hate.
"There is a time to-"
brothers, it says here,
"there's a time to fight and a time to win!"
Win, brothers!
- Go and fight! Go on!
- A one. - Two.
- Three. - And a four.
- Wait!
- Come on. - Yeah, that's it.
- You go up!
Up!
- Pardon me, brother.
- No, brother, let him go. What are you doing?
- And a two, and three, and a four.
- I'm gonna bash ya and bash ya.
I'm gonna bash, and I'm gonna bash ya.
- Ready, get set, go.
- Two.
- No!
- Come on, brother! Hit him hard!
- A one, and a two, and a three, and a four.
- I'm gonna bash ya, and I'm gonna bash ya.
- A one, a two, and a three, and--
- Here, brother. Let-let me help you.
Let me- let me help you.
- Thank you, brother. - Thanks,heH.
Load up the horses and let's get outta here.
- Okay.
- All right, the valley is yours,
but give me back my horses.
- What horses? - The ones you stole from me.
- Hey, watch what you're sayin', Major.
- You're horse thieves, and you know it.
- One thing about that Major-— he never lies.
- Major, you ever been to Nebraska?
I heard there's some beautiful pastures there.
- That, uh, idea about Nebraska doesn't sound too bad.
- Hey, Major, Nebraska is that a-way.
- Thank you, oh, Lo-- - Forget it.
- I was rendering thanks to the Lord, brother.
- Oh. - The insidious hand of Satan
has left this land. Accept our humble thanks,
oh, Father. - Hey, boss!
What's this mean?
Take a look.
- What's that? - It's our brand, brother.
They're the tables of the Holy Law.
- Naturally, you don't know nothin', huh?
- Well, I thought, after all, it's only right that these people
get paid back for damages, and so--
- And so?
I'm not mad at you.
I'm mad at our ma. She should've strangled you
or at least drowned you when you were born.
Why, you no good crawlin' son of a lowdown-
- Don't be angry, Sheriff.
It was the hand of destiny. - Wait!
Go to hell, you, with your destiny,
your sisters, your brothers, your ancestors, your cows,
and everything.
- Oh.
- This is just my luck. Hah!
- Let us pray. - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, Lord, to your glory, we raise our chalice of love.
Take into your fold this lost sheep,
who in penitence, has thrown his weapons of evil
into the purifying flame of your forgiveness.
Circumcise the seeds of wrongdoing, which have
blemished his soul.
Accept him back into the light of your spirit.
He shall labor 'til he grows weary with fatigue.
He shall irrigate these vast fields,
seed and pick the fruits of his labor.
He will cut woods, build houses,
and raise cattle.
And when each hard day's work is done,
he shall return home with joy for so much fatigue.
Then, gathering his loved ones around him,
he will give thanks to you, oh Lord,
for guiding him through the travails of his life on earth.
We thank thee for the many blessings you have bestowed upon us
and hope always to be worthy of your love.
Amen. - Amen.
- Where is our new brother?
- Come on, Bambino.
Why don't you want me to come with ya?
- Get outta here, if you don't wanna get plugged in the back
while you sleep. - But I'm your brother.
- I'm beginning to doubt it.
Look, I'm headin' west for California,
which means you're going east!
Huh!
- Hah!
Hah!
You seen three varmints around these parts?
- With faces like hangmen, you mean?
- Are these the men? - Yeah, that's them,
and they robbed me. They wanted to take my boots, too,
but then they saw you and took off.
- Which way did they go? - That a-way.
- Hah!
Yah! Yah!
- Californ-i-a.